This is what you look like to me :: a whole lot of brave, wrapped up in a whole lot of fear. And it’s time to love the brave out of you and put the fear to rest. You deserve to take up space here; you matter here. So walk like you do.
/ / /
I’m pushing myself. Trying new things. Trusting new people. I feel myself stretching and expanding beyond what I thought I would, and it’s only been four weeks. I can only imagine what the next eight will bring.
But with this expansion, I’m watching old fears collide with new dreams. The desire is there, to wait for something new to unfold, but all the while I’m trembling with every step, waiting for the ground to be ripped from beneath me.
Waiting for people to leave.
Waiting for my old habits to kick in and to run when things get hard.
Waiting for this to not work.
Because it hasn’t worked before — how could I think it will work now?
But maybe this will be different.
Maybe this time, I won’t run in fear. Maybe I’ll learn how to live up to the meaning of brave :: to endure fearlessly, to look fear and darkness in the face and to keep walking. To wait for relationships to be rooted and begin their slow growth. Maybe I’ll fail again, but maybe this time I won’t run.
Because there is great hope in that small maybe.
Because people are worth it.
And I am worth it.
I am worth fighting for — I am worth sitting through my mess because no one else can sit through my mess for me. So I sit down in the dirt with myself and with every breath, with every word, I speak truth over myself.
I remind myself that I am worthy to be loved.
That the space I take up matters.
That I deserve to take up said space.
That there is much in my world I can practice gratitude for.
That my health – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually – must come first before any relationship or friendship or endeavor I wish to embark on. Because my health is the epicenter of how I react to everything else – it’s what channels things in and keeps other things out.
Because you deserve my best self. You deserve a friend, a daughter, a sister, to be alert, to think clearly, to invest in good things and learn to love who she is in secret, only to one day come out of her cage and know with confidence she’ll do just fine.
So comes the stripping, the de-walling, the deep-cleaning soul-cleansing scrub. Tearing away the old in time for the replacement with the new. It starts small, but progress is small and growth is slow. But it does come. And it is happening.
Maybe that’s the bravest thing I will ever do :: declare my worth one small truth after one small truth, eternally showered in infinite grace and showering others with the same.
Because I, my dear, am so worth loving.
And you are too.